How To Maintain A Sense Of Moral Superiority And Still Enjoy Those Tasty Sadistic Treats
1 – Swallow Whole And Avoid Chewing
Ideas, whether progressive or not, do not always survive the digestive process when chewed over. So in order to maintain that svelte, upright figure you so crave, swallow every progressive premise whole, no matter how unpalatable it might appear. Don’t worry, the gagging dissipates the more you practice.
Occasionally, you might also suffer from reflux, whereby reason compels you to add some nuance to your ill-thought out assertions. This must be avoided at all costs as it will leave you vulnerable to attack from other, more experienced practitioners of the diet (See tip number 4). Simply meet this urge with an energetic anger, and you will soon find yourself berating even the most imperceptible crimes of others.
2 – Ensure You Use The Correct Fork During The Lobster Course
Progressive etiquette is purposely designed to be as complex as possible, this way you can make enemies out of allies with the utmost efficiency. Much like 18th century nobility in European courts, who would create the most intricate web of etiquette in order to keep the riff-raff out, Progressive eating habits are about exclusion.
For this reason, it is essential to learn the latest ideas, including who it is fashionable to loathe, from the university sect. After all, who better to understand the plight of the downtrodden than the most privileged people who have ever lived?
Learning every gender pronoun is essential in 2017, but be sure to stay on top of any changes, you don’t want to be using Xe when Thon, Hu, Zhe or Peh would be more appropriate. Cracking that particular lobster shell with the wrong utensil comes with grave dangers.
3 – Be Sure To Don The Correct Stripes When Invited To Dine With Others
There is no use turning up to a dinner party wearing the wrong stripes if you wish to be invited back. It’s all well and good espousing views against Ableism, but what if that month’s cause is Feminism? You could find yourself defending a privileged, white, Cis gendered, male on wheels!
If you do not have a seat at the table, what’s the point? After all, the only nutrition in the diet comes from constant positive reinforcement.
4 – Vegan Cannibalism
The most dangerous group in the world are not meat eaters, but Vegetarians. Falling short of a lofty ideal, even when the bar is constantly being raised, is far worse than never having tried. One of the most satisfying food groups available to you is the good intentions of others. The great thing about cannibalism is it is full of protein but contains no animal products .
- ”You’re Vegetarian? Oh so you think it’s OK to eat animal products?”
- ”You’re Vegan? You don’t even eat organically? How can you look yourself in the mirror when you are encouraging the poisoning of the planet?”
- ”You’re Vegan but buy from supermarkets? Have you seen what they do to small business? You’re scum, utter scum.”
Remember, as in all diets, you are what you eat, and unless that is a hand-reared carrot, grown organically in your own veg patch, fertilised by the faeces of a hemp milk fed baby, you might as well murder kittens so you can wear their teeth as trinkets.
5 – Dessert – Unleash Your Greed
After all that discipline, there must be some reward, right? Well of course there is, and it’s the most satisfying reward of all. A large, sugar coated slice of smugness, drizzled in the creamy goodness of hypocrisy. A sado-masochistic soufflé, where consent is neither required, nor sought.
No matter how sadistic your words, no matter how disproportionate your attack, you can indulge yourself without a moment’s hesitation because you’ve cleansed yourself of all that toxic introspection. Not only does the guilt fall from your hips, you still have a sense of satisfied goodness glowing in your heart.
That isn’t to say you need not appear introspective. As all fetishists know, sadism and masochism go hand in manacled hand, so be sure to check your privilege before wielding the paddle of humiliation.
As with all fad diets, the Progressive Diet is designed for failure. You can simply never be pure enough. This is what makes the diet so effective, it’s based on millennia old traditions of the Catholic Church. It’s inherent Hypocrisies leads to failure, failure leads to guilt, guilt leads to shame, shame leads to projection, projection leads to hypocrisy and the whole cycle begins again.
©Copyright Dean Stephenson 2017