Teenage Sex, Pepto Bismol And The Great Tetris Orgy

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Sometimes I can’t breathe, life just gets so claustrophobic that I just want to move to some cave on a Hebridean island and imagine this was all a futuristic dystopian novel I once read.

Overpopulation and greed have put us in smaller and smaller boxes, gardens are like quaint little squares for grass fetishists and the few that can afford them. Parks have long been places for gay orgies, drunks, paedos and stabbings, or so scream the billboards of the ever-desperate local papers I pass.

Every place I turn seems to be bellowing at me to buy something. Turn on the TV, adverts are longer, louder and more frequent than ever before. Think you have a moment’s peace during the actual program? No chance. Everything is sponsored by something and product placement has your favourite detectives flogging everything from Pepto Bismol to Macbooks. Columbo would turn in his grave. “Just one more thing sir, have you tried Findus’ new recipe fish fingers?”

What’s worse is when we do finally have a moment to just exist we play with our phones and feast on the brain food’s equivalent of Pot Noodle. I’m almost nostalgic for train journeys where people tried not to make eye contact or tickled your nose while practising origami with a broadsheet newspaper.

This all used to make me despair but it occurred to me the other day that teenagers must be having really shit sex as a result.

When I first had sex I was undoubtedly not very good, the several cans of Super Tenants probably didn’t help. The problem is you are so surprised that someone agreed to it that you spend the subsequent 2 minutes confused as to what is happening. By the time it’s all over you’re wondering if she will let you do it again any time soon and this time not on her mother’s living room floor while Flavor Flav bellowed “Booooooy!!!!” behind you the whole time. It was on the TV and …. anyway….

When nerves and surprise are finally behind you you’re too excited by the buffet on offer. It’s just all too much for a teenager to contemplate, especially after fantasising about it for what seems your whole life. At that age I could spend at least an hour on one simple curve of the shoulder, and breasts? Bloody hell that could take a day for each. What actually happens though is you are too aware that there is so much more to experience, something else to kiss or another sweet curve to taste. A good lover (yes you are getting sex tips now) is never in a hurry and knows a second can pass without the need to think you are missing out and wishing you had seven hands.

This takes a lot of practice and almost becomes meditative. Men spend most of their time, at this point, trying not to enjoy it, at least not too much. Age and experience eventually teach you that pleasure is best experienced a step removed from the primal urge and this something that the generation behind me has absolutely no practice in.

In Japan, the spiritual home of electronic gadgetry, the amount of sex people are having has dropped dramatically, worrying the government enough to act upon it. Why? A quick look at the world’s waistlines shows we do not have this problem with indulging in other primal instincts. There are people in relationships that wait their partners to go to bed so they can masturbate while pretending to be ordering shopping. The saddest thing I can think of is a man with his trousers around his ankles in the living room while the love of his life reads Fifty Shades of Grey in the bedroom.

As I approach forty the resentful middle aged prick in me quite enjoys all this. I think mine was the last generation to have a chance to enjoy reality. I also think mine was the last generation that grew up with the space to breathe and discover sexuality in our own time. Even with the spectre of AIDS shadowing every urge we still fucked — a lot.

Another statistic I read recently is this generation are drinking less and taking fewer drugs. I am sure this is a good thing but what a bunch of boring bastards. It’s no wonder they aren’t molesting each other at the same rate, they’re all too sober and busy texting their genitalia. Somewhere there exists a pixelated orgy of tiny squares humping each other, it’s an exciting version of Tetris I’d play.

I have never had an opinion on other’s sexuality, to me it is about as interesting a subject as those drug stories that one idiot we all knew used to tell. He always had the best stuff just the week before have you noticed? What does interest me, however, is people not living in the moment or enjoying the most basic things in life and if we know one thing about humans it’s that lack of sex never ends well.

So I say this to parents, encourage your children to turn off the TV, get off the Internet, put down the mobile phones and fuck! It’s the only responsible thing to do.

© Copyright Dean Stephenson 2014

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